and the hits just keep on comin' ...

So anyway. Last night was the first night back at work after two weeks off. It's usually difficult, for most of us anyway, to come back to work after that many days off at one time. I headed to work, however, with a positive attitude. There were ups and downs, but all in all, not a bad shift. Imagine my surprise when a chance encounter unveils the "good meeting" (held while I was gone) and its results. I can't decide whether to be insulted or thankful.

I hope that I put on the happy face. You know which one I mean. The one that says, "yeah, I expected as much and it validated every single thing I was thinking, and ohbytheway, thanks so much for the slap in the face. Let's do this again, shall we?" The news, however, is a double-edged sword. I do not in any way begrudge part of the change that was made. Change is good, for it keeps things from becoming static. Change is a growth process, for nearly everyone involved. This particular change just happened to come without warning, and was delivered in such a way that I felt insulted. I was left with doubts about not only my skills and rapport with my team members, but was left with the crushing doubt of wondering if the rapport I thought we had achieved was only a figment of my own undeniably over-active imagination.

So how do I handle this situation? Do I confront them? Confrontation in the workplace, as a general rule, is NOT a good thing. Someone inevitably gets hurt and it makes for a strained working environment. Swallowing the issue doesn't always work either. The person (in this case - me) who holds their tongue builds up a pool of bitterness and resentment, and can end up lashing out at an inopportune time. And I have learned all too well the negative effects of speaking before you think, or speaking before you think things through. No matter how hard you try, you cannot unsay hurtful things. 

I am hurt right now. Hurt because not one of my coworkers saw fit to even hint at what was coming. Apparently it was their idea. At least that's what I was told. And therein lies the rub. That's what I was told. As in nearly everything in life, there are two sides to a story. Do I want to try and uncover the other side? There is a chance that it is exactly as was said. That might make things worse. Do I really want to know what my coworkers think of me?Or do I just let it go? As earlier posts over the past weeks have shown, I obviously have a problem with letting go. I'm going to fret over this. So much so that the vicious circle of thought running through my head on the way home was a repeat refrain of the pity party I had all those months ago when I changed shifts and began working with a new team.  What that enlightening and self-defeating phrase kept telling me to remember was that "these are the people you work with. They are not your friends." 

While I don't want to think those kinds of thoughts, I can't help it. And I know what will happen, because internally, it has already begun. I will withdraw until I make myself miserable. Oh wait. That's already here. I will temper what I say, because I feel as if it does not matter and I don't want to make things worse than they already are. I will remind myself that although we are a team, I'm not really a part of it, but an add-on that came later and never quite made first string. If that is so, oh well. I'm a survivor, and this too shall pass. 

Dear God, today I am adrift in a leaking lifeboat with neither paddle nor life jacket. I am surrounded by treacherous waters. No shore is in sight. The beacon from the lighthouse flickers, and fades with each rotation. Can I cling to its steady strength, or will it, too, leave me shattered and alone?

"You are my strength, I sing praise to you; you, God, are my fortress, my God on whom I can rely." ~Psalm 59:17 NIV

Out of the Depths

What do you do when, no matter how hard you try to focus on something else, you keep returning to a place/time/happening of your past? Agonizing over what was done and how things could be different if only you had done/said/thought/acted in some way differently than you did ... no matter how many years have gone by? What does it say about you when you are having a hard time focusing on what IS and enjoying what you have because you constantly compare it to what WAS and what you had?

There are probably as many quips, quotes, and words of wisdom are there are circumstances to which you can apply them.  Sometimes, however, no matter how often you try to smile and put a happy face on things, it just doesn't happen. You want to cry, scream, throw things, yell at the world ... or is it that you want to yell at yourself? To beat yourself up over something that you have done ... are you beating yourself up over your past? You are not alone.

Right now, I cannot even find the words to express how I am feeling. I feel anger (at myself), remorse (for the pain that I caused) and regret (for what was lost). No distraction technique is working. How do you explain these feelings? How do you work through them? I feel as if I've been thrown into the deep end of an endless pool with no float device. And no, I can't swim.

I am finding no peace tonight, not even in the praise music that has been soothing me recently. The Bible is giving me no peace. I am not resting. Putting on the happy face is stressing me to the point that I want to run away from home, a rather ridiculous point of view for a woman in her mid 40s. When I consider such an action, I remind myself of the realities of the situation: I just returned from a two week vacation. I don't have the time to take off even if I had somewhere to go. I have responsibilities.

What else have  I noticed? I have noticed that pain has become a constant, instead of a "most of the time." Headaches are coming more frequently, and have started to become more intense. While I don't deny that pain can have a physical cause, I think these recent exacerbations are stress driven and emotion related. I need to let go.

I need to let go, and let God deal with it. He did not put me in this position, but He will not desert me here. I need to trust, to have faith, to believe that He can and will show me an improvement -- that He has a plan. I know He does, for I truly believe that I would not be here if He didn't. Sometimes ... and this is one of those times ... I need reminding of what I have. Not what I had, for the choices made were my own (wrong though they were), but what I have.

God, today I am feeling ungrateful and peevish. Please forgive me for my stubborn refusal to let go of the pain. Help me to see that I need you to work through this. Help me move forward to the future that you have planned for me.

"My back is filled with searing pain; there is no health in my body. I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart ... LORD, do not forsake me; do not be far from me, my God. Come quickly to help me, my Lord and my Savior." ~ Psalms 38:7-8, 21-22 NIV

Letting Go of Regret

Why is it so hard to stop beating ourselves up over the past? Are we doomed to relive our past over and over, wondering what could have been if we'd made one different decision? What if one thing had been done differently? Where would we be? Would we have accomplished more? Been happier? Had fewer regrets?

Living in the past is unhealthy. I don't have to be a psychologist or a psychiatrist to know this. I live it. The simple fact is that life moves on, whether we want it to or not. Constantly burying our minds in the past is a recipe for disaster. Instead of wondering "what if", I need to focus on what is. Why is that so hard to do?

When I look at the immediate future, I am angry at myself. I am where I am because of choices that I made, and I've come a long way. When I think about my past, I am angry at myself, regretting decisions that put me down roads I would much rather not have traveled. It has not been all bad, and there is no need for me to even intimate that it has. Decisions were made, I was able to meet some wonderful people that I still call friends. Decisions were made that generated encounters with people I hope I never see again. Thinking about past choices is enough to make the acid rise and make me think that a day spent in the bed with the covers over my head might be a good idea. I can't turn back the clock, I can only make the best of today, and every day that comes after.

Over the past few weeks, I have once more turned to music for comfort. These days, I am finding comfort in contemporary Christian music, a genre that I have never before spent much time exploring. There are days that the words to Casting Crowns' "Who Am I?" simply resonate through me. WHO AM I? 

The answer? HIS. God has claimed me, loves me unconditionally, and forgives me. I have to give my past to Him, and stop looking back. I cannot undo the past, I cannot change it. What I can change is today, and I can change my future by decisions that I make today, and decisions that I make in the tomorrows that are to come. 

I am

a flower quickly fading

Here today and gone tomorrow

A wave tossed in the ocean

A vapor in the wind

Still you

Hear me when I'm calling

Lord, you catch me when I'm falling

And you told me who I am

I am YOURS ... 

Many thanks to Mark Hall of Casting Crowns for writing down these words that were laid on his heart. I thank my friend Myra for posting this video several months ago, and my friend Erinn for turning my music search in the right direction. All I can do is take one step at a time, one day at a time. I pray for strength, wisdom, and guidance.

Jesus, I'm letting go. Again. I'm depending on your strength to help me, to guide me, so that I can get to where I need to be. Thank you for hearing me, for catching me and gently setting me back upon my path.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."~Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

 

Better Than Sweet Tea

I have often heard that southerners have sweet tea in their veins. Sweet tea is like any beverage, I suppose, in that it can be an acquired taste. I remember living in Colorado and not being able to get sweet tea in some of the restaurants - and having the servers point out that there was sugar on the table. Obviously, they didn't know how to make sweet tea! 

Late in the summer of 2010, I was diagnosed with diabetes. My gut reaction to this news was "Oh no! No more of my favorite things (sugar, chocolate, carbs)." I happened to be on the road traveling to Alabama when I received the news. What was my immediate response? Pull in to the nearest McDonald's and order some Mickey D's Sweet Tea!

Over the past year, I have learned that moderation is the key. While I have been less than strict about following a diet, monitoring my blood sugar,  or even particularly watching what I eat and drink - my A1C had remained the same as the original test. Imagine my surprise, three days ago, to receive the results of my lab work and find out that my A1C had jumped up nearly 1 full point from the last reading! As you may imagine, I do not look forward to next week's check-up at the doctor's office. 

Reading in John chapter 4, my mind immediately went on its own little tangent comparing the refreshing taste of water and the delicious nectar known as sweet tea. How, you may ask, does my mind make such comparisons? I try to see God everywhere, and in every thing. It may sound crazy, but it works for me. However, I digress. Heading in to work the other night, I stopped to get something to eat before my shift. Popeye's sounded good to me, so after ordering the delectable fried goodness along with a large cup of ice cold sweet tea, I sat down for a few moments of peace before work. The strangest thing happened. By my second piece of chicken, the hot and crispy chicken skin had lost its appeal, appearing in my  mind as fried fat. The french fries, so tasty, seemed congealed. The biscuit, hot and fluffy only moments earlier, seemed cold and leaden. The tea that flowed so sweetly was suddenly leaving an aftertaste, and not one that was pleasant. What happened to my meal? My mind was rejecting the physical. Instead of eating what I needed for healthy physical nourishment, I chose to eat what I wanted and ignore the consequences.  

I think the same thing happens when we ignore spiritual nourishment. Our bodies begin to crave something healthy, and so does our spirit. The more I delve into the Word of God, the more I want to know. The quest for spiritual nourishment is growing, as I continue to seek Him in every thing that I do. As with my diet, my journey will be fraught with trials and stumbling blocks. What I know for certain is that He is with me, every single step of the way. There will be times, as the beloved poem states, that He will carry me.  I have to trust Him, I will trust Him. With the love and support of family and friends, the journey will continue.

Lord, I ask that you continue to walk beside me. Make me a beacon, make me your servant. Help me to live so that I am a witness for you in every way.

Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty."~John 6:35 NIV

Feed the Body, Nourish the Soul.

What did you have for dinner? Did you enjoy the last meal that you ate? How many times a day do you eat?Why do you eat? Seemingly silly questions, but designed to make you think. Now dig a little deeper. What did you do to nourish your soul? Do you nourish your soul?Why, or why not?

Beautifully written words, passionately performed music, a breathtaking sunrise. These nourish my soul. I have found that as I get older, spiritual nourishment becomes more and more important. As we get busier, I think that it becomes even more vital to make sure that we are healthy - both physically and spiritually. How do we increase our spiritual health?

One of my goals for this year was to read through the Bible. Joining forces with others who share the same desire will help me to accomplish that goal. I am reading, and want to read, for understanding. Understanding more about God through reading the Bible fills a need deep within. Reading and studying His word is like a cool drink of water on a hot summer day; it nourishes, refreshes, and satisfies.  


Having been a voracious reader since childhood, I find my reading direction now changing. I am searching for answers, formulating questions, and trying to amass as much information as I can. My main reading source is the Bible, we are reading chapters daily on our quest to read through the Bible this year. The version of the Bible I am currently using is the New International Version of the Zondervan Life Application Study Bible. I am only three days in, and have already taken pages of notes on the four chapters we have read. The study guide in this Bible has been an excellent brainstorm source for digging deeper. I feel this incredible desire to learn and learn. There is so much I want to know, and this is feeding my soul!


Healthy nourishment for your soul is as important as food is to the feeding of your body. God, I ask that you continue to guide my search for nourishment, and help me to uncover the answers that I seek. I thank you for directing me on this path to recovering my spiritual health.


"Jesus answered, 'Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.'"~John 4:13-14 NIV