Out of the Depths

What do you do when, no matter how hard you try to focus on something else, you keep returning to a place/time/happening of your past? Agonizing over what was done and how things could be different if only you had done/said/thought/acted in some way differently than you did ... no matter how many years have gone by? What does it say about you when you are having a hard time focusing on what IS and enjoying what you have because you constantly compare it to what WAS and what you had?

There are probably as many quips, quotes, and words of wisdom are there are circumstances to which you can apply them.  Sometimes, however, no matter how often you try to smile and put a happy face on things, it just doesn't happen. You want to cry, scream, throw things, yell at the world ... or is it that you want to yell at yourself? To beat yourself up over something that you have done ... are you beating yourself up over your past? You are not alone.

Right now, I cannot even find the words to express how I am feeling. I feel anger (at myself), remorse (for the pain that I caused) and regret (for what was lost). No distraction technique is working. How do you explain these feelings? How do you work through them? I feel as if I've been thrown into the deep end of an endless pool with no float device. And no, I can't swim.

I am finding no peace tonight, not even in the praise music that has been soothing me recently. The Bible is giving me no peace. I am not resting. Putting on the happy face is stressing me to the point that I want to run away from home, a rather ridiculous point of view for a woman in her mid 40s. When I consider such an action, I remind myself of the realities of the situation: I just returned from a two week vacation. I don't have the time to take off even if I had somewhere to go. I have responsibilities.

What else have  I noticed? I have noticed that pain has become a constant, instead of a "most of the time." Headaches are coming more frequently, and have started to become more intense. While I don't deny that pain can have a physical cause, I think these recent exacerbations are stress driven and emotion related. I need to let go.

I need to let go, and let God deal with it. He did not put me in this position, but He will not desert me here. I need to trust, to have faith, to believe that He can and will show me an improvement -- that He has a plan. I know He does, for I truly believe that I would not be here if He didn't. Sometimes ... and this is one of those times ... I need reminding of what I have. Not what I had, for the choices made were my own (wrong though they were), but what I have.

God, today I am feeling ungrateful and peevish. Please forgive me for my stubborn refusal to let go of the pain. Help me to see that I need you to work through this. Help me move forward to the future that you have planned for me.

"My back is filled with searing pain; there is no health in my body. I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart ... LORD, do not forsake me; do not be far from me, my God. Come quickly to help me, my Lord and my Savior." ~ Psalms 38:7-8, 21-22 NIV

Letting Go of Regret

Why is it so hard to stop beating ourselves up over the past? Are we doomed to relive our past over and over, wondering what could have been if we'd made one different decision? What if one thing had been done differently? Where would we be? Would we have accomplished more? Been happier? Had fewer regrets?

Living in the past is unhealthy. I don't have to be a psychologist or a psychiatrist to know this. I live it. The simple fact is that life moves on, whether we want it to or not. Constantly burying our minds in the past is a recipe for disaster. Instead of wondering "what if", I need to focus on what is. Why is that so hard to do?

When I look at the immediate future, I am angry at myself. I am where I am because of choices that I made, and I've come a long way. When I think about my past, I am angry at myself, regretting decisions that put me down roads I would much rather not have traveled. It has not been all bad, and there is no need for me to even intimate that it has. Decisions were made, I was able to meet some wonderful people that I still call friends. Decisions were made that generated encounters with people I hope I never see again. Thinking about past choices is enough to make the acid rise and make me think that a day spent in the bed with the covers over my head might be a good idea. I can't turn back the clock, I can only make the best of today, and every day that comes after.

Over the past few weeks, I have once more turned to music for comfort. These days, I am finding comfort in contemporary Christian music, a genre that I have never before spent much time exploring. There are days that the words to Casting Crowns' "Who Am I?" simply resonate through me. WHO AM I? 

The answer? HIS. God has claimed me, loves me unconditionally, and forgives me. I have to give my past to Him, and stop looking back. I cannot undo the past, I cannot change it. What I can change is today, and I can change my future by decisions that I make today, and decisions that I make in the tomorrows that are to come. 

I am

a flower quickly fading

Here today and gone tomorrow

A wave tossed in the ocean

A vapor in the wind

Still you

Hear me when I'm calling

Lord, you catch me when I'm falling

And you told me who I am

I am YOURS ... 

Many thanks to Mark Hall of Casting Crowns for writing down these words that were laid on his heart. I thank my friend Myra for posting this video several months ago, and my friend Erinn for turning my music search in the right direction. All I can do is take one step at a time, one day at a time. I pray for strength, wisdom, and guidance.

Jesus, I'm letting go. Again. I'm depending on your strength to help me, to guide me, so that I can get to where I need to be. Thank you for hearing me, for catching me and gently setting me back upon my path.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."~Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

 

Better Than Sweet Tea

I have often heard that southerners have sweet tea in their veins. Sweet tea is like any beverage, I suppose, in that it can be an acquired taste. I remember living in Colorado and not being able to get sweet tea in some of the restaurants - and having the servers point out that there was sugar on the table. Obviously, they didn't know how to make sweet tea! 

Late in the summer of 2010, I was diagnosed with diabetes. My gut reaction to this news was "Oh no! No more of my favorite things (sugar, chocolate, carbs)." I happened to be on the road traveling to Alabama when I received the news. What was my immediate response? Pull in to the nearest McDonald's and order some Mickey D's Sweet Tea!

Over the past year, I have learned that moderation is the key. While I have been less than strict about following a diet, monitoring my blood sugar,  or even particularly watching what I eat and drink - my A1C had remained the same as the original test. Imagine my surprise, three days ago, to receive the results of my lab work and find out that my A1C had jumped up nearly 1 full point from the last reading! As you may imagine, I do not look forward to next week's check-up at the doctor's office. 

Reading in John chapter 4, my mind immediately went on its own little tangent comparing the refreshing taste of water and the delicious nectar known as sweet tea. How, you may ask, does my mind make such comparisons? I try to see God everywhere, and in every thing. It may sound crazy, but it works for me. However, I digress. Heading in to work the other night, I stopped to get something to eat before my shift. Popeye's sounded good to me, so after ordering the delectable fried goodness along with a large cup of ice cold sweet tea, I sat down for a few moments of peace before work. The strangest thing happened. By my second piece of chicken, the hot and crispy chicken skin had lost its appeal, appearing in my  mind as fried fat. The french fries, so tasty, seemed congealed. The biscuit, hot and fluffy only moments earlier, seemed cold and leaden. The tea that flowed so sweetly was suddenly leaving an aftertaste, and not one that was pleasant. What happened to my meal? My mind was rejecting the physical. Instead of eating what I needed for healthy physical nourishment, I chose to eat what I wanted and ignore the consequences.  

I think the same thing happens when we ignore spiritual nourishment. Our bodies begin to crave something healthy, and so does our spirit. The more I delve into the Word of God, the more I want to know. The quest for spiritual nourishment is growing, as I continue to seek Him in every thing that I do. As with my diet, my journey will be fraught with trials and stumbling blocks. What I know for certain is that He is with me, every single step of the way. There will be times, as the beloved poem states, that He will carry me.  I have to trust Him, I will trust Him. With the love and support of family and friends, the journey will continue.

Lord, I ask that you continue to walk beside me. Make me a beacon, make me your servant. Help me to live so that I am a witness for you in every way.

Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty."~John 6:35 NIV

Feed the Body, Nourish the Soul.

What did you have for dinner? Did you enjoy the last meal that you ate? How many times a day do you eat?Why do you eat? Seemingly silly questions, but designed to make you think. Now dig a little deeper. What did you do to nourish your soul? Do you nourish your soul?Why, or why not?

Beautifully written words, passionately performed music, a breathtaking sunrise. These nourish my soul. I have found that as I get older, spiritual nourishment becomes more and more important. As we get busier, I think that it becomes even more vital to make sure that we are healthy - both physically and spiritually. How do we increase our spiritual health?

One of my goals for this year was to read through the Bible. Joining forces with others who share the same desire will help me to accomplish that goal. I am reading, and want to read, for understanding. Understanding more about God through reading the Bible fills a need deep within. Reading and studying His word is like a cool drink of water on a hot summer day; it nourishes, refreshes, and satisfies.  


Having been a voracious reader since childhood, I find my reading direction now changing. I am searching for answers, formulating questions, and trying to amass as much information as I can. My main reading source is the Bible, we are reading chapters daily on our quest to read through the Bible this year. The version of the Bible I am currently using is the New International Version of the Zondervan Life Application Study Bible. I am only three days in, and have already taken pages of notes on the four chapters we have read. The study guide in this Bible has been an excellent brainstorm source for digging deeper. I feel this incredible desire to learn and learn. There is so much I want to know, and this is feeding my soul!


Healthy nourishment for your soul is as important as food is to the feeding of your body. God, I ask that you continue to guide my search for nourishment, and help me to uncover the answers that I seek. I thank you for directing me on this path to recovering my spiritual health.


"Jesus answered, 'Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.'"~John 4:13-14 NIV


 

You Can't Just Talk the Talk

We've heard the expression "You Can't Just Talk the Talk, You Have to Walk the Walk," but what does that mean in the journey to know and understand Jesus? When I walked down that church aisle so very many years ago, pulled by something that I didn't fully understand, but knowing that it was where I needed to be, I made a public declaration of faith. Have I lived that faith, truly?

I wish I could stand proudly and say that I have. I wish I could shout from the rooftops and speak volumes on the subject of how my life was transformed and the fact that I've never since looked back. The reality is far less appealing. The child that I was grew into the teenager that I became, still walking in faith. I was not - nor will I ever be on this earth - perfect, but I was pretty much the dorky good kid. I minded my mama and daddy, listened to and respected my elders, went to church, and tried to be a good person. Church was not a place to go to see and be seen, it was the place where we learned about the Lord. I rebelled, at times arguing with the fact that we went to church while mama and daddy (and later, my stepdad) didn't always go. Did being an adult mean that you didn't have to go to church?

When I left home at the grand old age of 20 and got married, I didn't go to church. My husband proclaimed to believe, but the entire time I knew him he only stepped foot inside a church when someone got married or buried. Did I witness to Him, share the story of the gospel and how Jesus had made a change in me? Of course not. I was a young adult and I believed and that was all that mattered. Life changes, things happen. Next thing I know, I'm a young divorcee with a child. When I began dating again, I fell in love and married a man who didn't believe in God. How did I reconcile that with my own belief? Did I witness to him? Of course not. Religion became the subject on which we agreed to disagree. As our children were born, the decision was made to allow them to make their own choice when it came to religion. They knew that their father was a non-believer and that their mother did believe. Did I witness to them, share the story of Jesus, and take them to church? No. Why? I still don't have the answer to that question, even though my children are now adults.

Life changes, things happen. Without going through details that I try daily to forget, suffice it to say that we've now fast-forwarded several years. There was another marriage, and another. My husband believes in God, but does not attend church, and hasn't for a very long time. He was born and raised Catholic, which is a faith that I do not profess to understand, having been born and raised in the Baptist church. This, however, is not a discourse on which denomination is best. What this is, in its convoluted way, is a story of a woman brought up in faith, who proclaims to believe, who talks the talk, but hasn't walked the walk in so many years that it is as if I am starting all over as a new Christian. The one thing that I know without fail, without doubt, is that my God loves me. Just as I am, flaws and all. He doesn't expect me to be perfect, He expects me to be me.

What I know to be true, today, is that the last few months have brought the realization that something is missing in my life. It is not about what I have - for I am blessed indeed with great children, a husband that loves me, and a family that always believes in me. I have a home, a rewarding job, and good friends. It is about finding myself in the faith that has never left me, through all the ups and downs of my life. It's not about talking the talk, it's about walking the walk. Am I ready?

I am. This isn't about finding "the church," it's about finding a church home. It is about being with other believers, talking and communing with those who have a true interest in living for Christ. It is about getting up every day, secure in the fact that life on this earth is but a drop in the bucket compared to the beauty of the eternity that awaits me when I get to Heaven. It is about being strong when Satan tries to dissuade me from my path, and placing my trust in Jesus. It is about knowing, believing, and living my faith. It's not always going to be easy, but with Him, I will prevail.

God, I am so unworthy, but I offer myself to you. Make me into the woman that you knew I would be before I was even created. I am clay and you are the potter. Make me into your vessel, fill me with your love, and help me to pour out the blessings as I share my faith in you.

"He must become greater, I must become less."~John 3:30, NIV