Back to the Wall

Yesterday, I had a devotion topic in mind. It was flowing rather smoothly, and I felt that it was powerful and ready to be written. Just as I was about to sit down and write this morning, something came over me. The topic of yesterday's mental composition is not screaming to get out today - the walls are back. (written 5 Nov 07)

Yesterday was one of those up and down days. I awoke this morning not quite refreshed from yet another restless night. Thoughts of yesterday and snippets of conversations kept chasing one another through my brain until it seemed ready to explode. The most asked question? The one parents dread at times - Why??

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I agonize over the smallest detail, when in the grand scheme of things it makes virtually no difference? Why the introspection and self doubt? That is a part of me that I struggle with. It is far easier to close myself in than to open up and share the pain. Every venture out feels as if it is a trap, one misstep and you're down the chute without knowing which way you're headed. Why, even when you know (or think you know) the answers, do you continue?

Every time I open the door to hope, it seems that hurt overpowers that fleeting glimpse of happiness. What result does that have? The walls go back up. Every time the walls are built, they get higher and higher, and those bricks are wedged in tighter and tighter. The screams inside the walls are heard by no one except Jesus.

Logically, I know that getting hurt is a chance you take. You cannot live - truly live - without taking chances. I don't believe that God intends us to plod along in our safe little havens, but that He wants us to take that chance. Why? Because He knows we have a safety net named Jesus. He did not promise us that life would be perfect and painless. He did, however, promise us that He would never leave nor forsake us.

Day by day, I fight. Some days it feels as if I am begging God for help instead of asking. There are many things I am capable of and many things I do quite well, but going through this life without Jesus is not one of them. Do people go through life without Jesus? Of course they do. We all have, at some point in our lives. There are detractors that say "If your God is so powerful, why doesn't He make me .... ?" Could He? Of course He could. God can do anything. He does not "make us" choose Him, but leaves us to make that decision on our own. Only by asking Jesus into your life and believing in Him will you receive that gift of His grace. That does not mean that you have from that point on a life that is free of stress or pain. What you have instead is a suit of armor called Jesus that goes with you everywhere.

Jesus, I thank you for your incredible power of love and healing. I realize that the walls are of my own making, and that only by trusting in you will I be able to knock them down permanently. Help me realize that the hurt will pass. You are my refuge, you are my path, you are my way to freedom.

"My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge."~Colossians 2:3-4 NIV