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19 January 2009

Behind The Walls

When I first started this very public proclamation, I realized that there would be times when the words that made themselves known might be perceived as painful; painful for me to write, and sometimes even painful to read. Today's words may be just that. (written 19 Sep 07)

We hear and we even say "God works in mysterious ways." I truly believe that. Today, I sat at the computer in the LRC between classes and the words just poured forth. I hit "preview", to double check my spelling and the overall sound of what I'd written ... and it disappeared. After staring at the screen in disbelief for a few minutes, I realized how true the statement above is. What I'd written must not have been what I was supposed to say today.

Behind the walls refers to my personal habit of hiding. I don't mean hiding in the physical sense, but in the emotional sense. The closer I find myself drawing to someone, the higher I find my walls being built. It is a self-defense mechanism, and one that is not readily apparent to those who do not know me very, very well. What you see on the outside is sometimes a cover for the pain that lies within. When I am hurt, emotionally, I retreat to the protection of my walls. Paula Sandford ("Healing for a Woman's Emotions") writes on page 58, "Don't try to suppress your feelings. Emotional volcanoes are built that way." Easier said than done at times. It is easier to hide what I feel than to explain why I feel that way.

From the time I was very young, writing has always been an outlet for me. It is a way to release pent-up feelings and emotions. It is far easier to set feelings down on paper for someone to possibly read at a later time than it is to speak of them when they are raging at their fullest fury. Paper doesn't talk back, doesn't look at you with pity, but simply accepts whatever you add to it.

Last night, the dam burst. It took all I could do to make it home before the floodgates opened. God spoke to me, then, gently. He laid His loving hand on my wounded soul and told me that "this too, shall pass. I am here and will always be here. This pain is not permanent, but a growing time. Learn from it." The ache still lingers, but the tears are less frequent. Eventually, I believe that the time will come when the painful words will be replaced. For now, this is my outlet.

A few months ago, I wrote the words that follow. God, thank you for allowing me this release. Thank you for giving me the ability to express myself in a way that allows some of the hurt to be set free. Thank you for never forsaking me. Thank you for believing in me, and teaching me to believe in myself.

darkness surrounds me
smothering, close
futile efforts to keep it at
bay
leave me weeping and weary
behind every smile is the knowledge
that
the facade is cracking slowly
when it overwhelms me
the smile is brighter,
the laugh is louder
and the tears threaten, then fall
let me be - i want
you near
but every time i get close it hurts
my defenses against
heartbreak
are nonexistent
you can hold me, touch me
but my heart is
off limits
because all you will do in the end
is hurt me
friends can
surround me
but i am still alone
and the battle rages
furiously
within
it feels as if every time
i open up and show "me"
i am found
unworthy


God, thank you for showing me that I AM worthy and for loving me always. May the time come when my words are only of joy.

"I cannot keep from speaking. I must express my anguish. I must complain in my bitterness." ~Job 7:11 NLT

"It is not that we think we can do anything of lasting value by ourselves. Our only power and success come from God." ~2 Corinthians 3:5 NLT

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