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19 January 2009

Sunshine Go Away

Do you like thunderstorms? How about the rain? For the most part, I enjoy rainy or stormy weather. Sometimes a storm matches my mood, my tears fall internally with the rhythm of the rain. (written 7 Sep 07)

It rained many times in my life before I was 17, but that particular year stands out vividly in my memory because my beloved grandmother passed away. We had only just moved to Colorado, and were still living in a hotel while we searched for a house. Returning to our hotel after a fruitful day of house-hunting, we were surprised to find the door to my mom and stepdad's room papered haphazardly with yellow post-it notes.

Mama didn't recognize the number, even though the note said "call Mrs. Watkins or Mrs. Beck" (Aunt Mary or Aunt Barbara). When the phone was answered, we were all in the room. I watched mama sit slowly down as an impersonal voice chirped "Tallahassee Memorial Hospital Intensive Care." Long story short, grandmother was in the hospital, in a coma, and was not expected to make it. Mama hung up and immediately called the airlines to make flight arrangements for the three of us from Denver to Tallahassee. When the arrangements were made, she called back to the hospital to let her siblings know, so that someone would meet us at the airport the next morning. Uncle Robert solemnly told her, "No need to hurry, she's gone."

The rain accompanied us to Denver on that three-plus hour drive. It rained our entire flight to Atlanta, and on to Tallahassee. Staring out the window, I remember telling mama and Cheryl that I guessed the whole world was crying because grandmother was gone. I can't honestly remember whether or not it rained during the funeral, but I want to think that it did. I know that I was crying, inside and out.

Today, and for the past few years, I revel in stormy weather. The turmoil that lives inside feels free to escape when it's raining ... my tears blend in with the rain, and no explanations are needed. My soul cries, my heart cries. Jonathan Edwards' song "Sunshine" is a good reflection of the way I feel .. especially the line that says "Sunshine go away today, I don't feel much like dancing."

I am blessed in being able to express my sorrow, for my Jesus is there to monitor the cleansing flow of tears. He reminds me that I am worthy of His love. He encourages my pain because it helps me grow. Each reminder of pain past gives me yet another example of His unfailing devotion. Jesus is not just devoted to me, He is devoted to each and every one of His children. Whether or not you have asked Him into your life, He watches over you. His gentle hand is always there to catch you should you stumble, to wipe away your tears, to touch your shoulder with support.

Thank you, Jesus, for allowing the sunshine of your love to warm me. Thank you for allowing my tears without letting them overwhelm me. Thank you for letting me sing this verse:

Sunshine come on back another day
I promise you I'll be singing
This old world, she's gonna turn around
Brand new bells'll be ringing

"I believe God. I believe He is working in me no matter what I may feel or how the situation may look. The Lord has begun a good work in me, and He will bring it to full completion." ~Philippians 1:6, 2:13 AMP

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