I Blog For Books

19 January 2009

Emotional

How do you react when you are hurt? Do you lash out or withdraw? Do you know why? How do you change that? (written 21 July 07)

I admit it: I am a very emotional person. When I'm happy, it's rather obvious. Unfortunately for me, when I'm sad (angry, hurt) ... it's also rather obvious. Not being blessed with what they call a "poker face", I struggle at times to maintain my composure and try to keep from letting everything I feel show. Those who know me well don't even necessarily have to look at me, they can hear it in my voice ... and for a very small group of people, it's as much what I don't say as what I do. Apparently, my silence speaks volumes to those who know me best.

When hurt, externally or internally, I tend to withdraw. It's a rather loud withdrawal, for my internal screams are shattering. When this happens, my tendency is to push those away who want to help. My favorite response? "Nothing." (as in, nothing's wrong) The push comes from fear. I'm afraid of being rejected .. viewed as unworthy .. unwanted .. and so I push before I can be pushed away. Wanting someone to cling to when I feel down, and pushing them away so they don't see my "weakness" and hate me for it ... how do I reconcile the two?

It is a beautiful thing to know that no matter how hard I push, Jesus is rock steady. He's not going to leave me, His arms are open. No matter how far I think I've traveled from Him, all I have to do is speak His name and He is right here with me. He sees all my moods, and loves me in all of them. He soothes the screams with whispers of reassurance.

"My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word." ~Psalm 119:28 NIV

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