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20 January 2009

Internalizing

Do you ever hear yourself talking and wonder how you can sound so perky when it seems everything is falling apart within? How do you hide the pain when you feel like it is seeping from every pore? How long can the smile muscles work when you are fighting the urge to scream in anguish? (written 4 Oct 07)

Today is a dark day; it's rainy and rather gloomy. Step outside and the humidity joins the rain to surround you with a warm, wet blanket. Seems a perfect backdrop for my mood! Today is shaping up as one of those days when I'd just like to turn my mind off. I don't want to think about what hurts any longer. I'm tired of wondering why; I want to stand in the rain and yell - from the pain caused by turning my anger inward.

I'm not angry at anyone; I'm not upset with God. I'm mad at me. Angry and upset that I read too much into things, then get upset again because of the outcome! Experience is what we gain (hopefully) from making the mistakes that we make. We make mistakes for that reason! None of us are perfect! If we learn from those mistakes, we grow.

It is very difficult indeed for me to put on a "happy" face when inside I weep. This struggle is one that I take to God not just daily, but frequently during the day. Without His love, guidance, and support, I know that I would fail. He guides me through the mistakes, shows me why they were made, tells me where I could have done something differently, and holds me when I cry.
Do you feel as if you are alone when you are hurt and upset? Don't!! God is and will be with you! Take your problems and concerns to Him! He does not promise that His love will keep us from feeling pain, but that He will bring us through the pain. He does not promise that we will never make mistakes, but that He will guide us on the path we should take if we but ask for His guidance. He does not promise that we will never cry, but that He will dry our tears.
God, I know that I must turn over my anguish to you. It is only through your love and support that I will make it through this to smile tomorrow. Thank you for not giving up on me, even when I want very much to give up on myself. May I always realize the power of your blessed love and healing.

"It is of the LORD's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore I will hope in him." ~Lamentations 3:22-24 KJV

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